Weblog
Thursday, 15 October 2009
-
Life.
Hm. Wow. It's just been one thing after the other these past couple weeks- midterms, a bitsnatch in one of my groups who ruined my day (and subsequently, I didn't go to class that day- shouldn't have let her get to me...), mass ebay-ing, a freak one-day storm on Tuesday that blew out electricity all day and didn't come back on until the next morning, and some things in between.
I've written a lot about body image issues- Xanga has just been a place for me to dump my brain and issues out there so that I can get it out and over with until the next time I run into it again. Things that make me realize I'm actually satisfied with who I am, I put it down here- it's hypothetically being seen by strangers, who in my mind, are witnesses to what I've said, and I've got to own it.
One of my friends is this beautiful, kind-hearted, really sweet girl- she's one of those girls who most girls I think like to hate. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's nice, she's fundamentally just a good person (but fails to acknowledge certain issues as a result- me=hypocritical), and because she is such, she's also really approachable. Guys absolutely love her. She always man-drama. She's complicated, emotionally speaking, but the qualities are still there.
At one point, I was thinking this over- do I need to re-invent myself somehow? Do I need to be somehow learn to be more feminine, nicer, a little more approachable, be thinner (somehow this one always works itself in there)?
The funny thing is...no, I really don't want to be these things. Fortunately or unfortunately, I'm actually really satisfied the way I am, and who I am, mostly because even if I tried, I probably couldn't do any of those things. I tend more towards caution with people, am polite and friendly but not overly so, and I actually like that I don't have man-drama. This could, in all actuality, be a catalyst for questioning my attractiveness, but I haven't gone there, and don't really intend to. I feel good about myself. And I think feeling healthy, fit, alive, confident, and passionate about where I'm going to go has made me happier than someone else stroking my ego. Happiness, I think, has to be maintained by me, and me only. It's not something that can come from other people, that comes and goes, but is a state over which I have control. I am in charge of my own happiness.
The other thing has been how much I've been thinking lately, about life. Not life as in the continuous state of existence filled with a series of events, but of life and death. Of being alive. A few weeks ago, swine flu made me think about life and death. Okay, okay, so it wasn't necessarily the swine flu. I was listening to the Korean radio (I like to feel close to grandma
), and they quoted that famous line:
Work like you don't need money,
Live like there's no tomorrow,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.
And the DJ asked what we would be doing, if we were to die tomorrow. If I knew I were to die tomorrow? I'd quit school right now. I'd fly home and spend time with my family- I wouldn't want to go anywhere, but just sit with them- soak in their presence, feel the love, the comfort of home. The smell of our clothes right out of our laundry. Even my dad's aftershave. Call my grandma and aunt. Have a long conversation with my brother to catch up on three years of missing communication. But some of these things can't necessarily be done. So instead, as I was buying health insurance for school, I bought life insurance. I go to school, because I believe in my own future, and because I believe (or at least fervently hope) that the worst thing that could happen tomorrow is that a falling leaf (because it's fall) hits me in the face. Or that I get another bug bite on my face.
And today, I hear- my dad has some funky health condition that's time sensitive with regard to his aorta. If it bursts, apparently he has an 80% mortality rate. And strangely, at least knowing this, and having always thought that he wasn't entirely healthy has led me to deal with it a little better. But it puts things in perspective...and makes me realize (hopefully) not to take things for granted.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
-
The Race Card and The Art of War (in 2 separate stories)
It's been quite a while- I haven't had a whole lot to say, and whatever I'd thought of saying before just sounded stupid... you don't know how many times I started blogging, only to just delete the page after the first sentence.
This struck me today, enough to want to write about it. One of my friends is white, very open-minded, and genuinely sweet and caring. She's kind, and although I sometimes question her judgment, I've never mistaken her intentions. I know that she is also aware of what white privilege is, but I don't know that she fully understands it beyond the context of how it is where we are- and beyond the idea of "we all just need to get along", I wonder sometimes whether she really does get it.
She often used to complain that the most upsetting thing about being white is that she can never be a part of a culture- that because she's white, she will never be able to fully become a part of the Chinese or Vietnamese society in which she works- that there will always be some distance between her and her host culture because she's white.
Of course this annoys me- because if that's the extent of your worry- that you won't be accepted into a culture you love so much, what about those who are born as citizens of a country, a country that is still not ready to completely accept you because you don't look like a majority?
So a bunch of us were having brunch this morning- this includes three of us Asian girls and two white girls. I was telling a story about another girl who was in one of my class groups (group: 3 Asian girls, 3 white girls), who was just totally mean to us three Asian girls in the group, and would whisper under her breath to one of the other white girls. Now I know that this girl has nothing against Asian men, because I've seen her hanging out with them and dancing with them, but what does she have against us three Asian girls? None of us have ever made much contact with her, never really hung out with her, but here she is, being a total WITCH. So, me being as aware of my yellowness as I am, made the (maybe mistaken) assumption that she didn't like Asian girls, because maybe she just likes the Asian men. My kind, good-hearted white friend says: "hey, don't hate!"
But that's the thing- is that it's I'm NOT hating. But this girl is. I don't care if you're into Asian men- that wasn't the point. The point was that this girl has only been mean to Asian girls. Is my race card getting out of control? Maybe. But my hyper-awareness is where it is today because of my lack thereof awareness from before. And I keep getting disappointed, because right when I think her ever-understanding heart of the human nature is all-encompassing (okay, so that's a little overdoing it), I get the feeling that her understanding is limited to people and their similarities, and not to their differences. Maybe one of these days, I'm going to propose a sit-down session of butting heads.
Speaking of human nature, Sunzi's Art of War shouldn't be called the Art of War, but the Art of Human Nature. I'm taking my last required Chinese language class in Sunzi's philosophy. And it's interesting that so many of Sunzi's 36 strategems are seen as the precedent to a lot of business strategy, relationships, love, dating, social interactions, and negotiations. But I think, that Sunzi was just a great student of human nature, and a very insightful and good observer, with a healthy dose of wisdom. He wrote down and formalized something that people do already. How many times have you changed the subject on someone, and it worked? How many times have you acted stupid even though you actually know quite a lot about the subject? All of this is a strategy from Sunzi's 36 strategems. So maybe even Hobbes knew this about human nature- and so he came up with the ever-so-popular line: "The condition of man... is a condition of war of everyone against everyone", and the self-interested nature of human beings brought about the behavior that was only formally written down by Sunzi. I think, this is the most basic way of thinking about Sunzi's strategem application to life, but in a more complicated version, self-interestedness is only applicable to an extent in terms of survival but is limited within the context of a society that is more and more conscience-driven.
So maybe, it gives us hope that Hobbes got it all wrong, and even Locke's more "liberal" revision falls way behind how human nature rolls.
Sunday, 30 August 2009
-
Sometimes, I really hate caring.I hate caring because the people I care about don't realize for themselves that they put themselves through that drama. They don't realize that not only are they doing it to themselves, but they're doing it to me.I wonder if this is part of why I have such a hard time being close to people. My mom and I are really close, my brother and I are pretty close, and I have a few (3) close friends. But this is why I only have...maybe...like 5-6 close people in my life. These are people I know understand how I roll. They know that whatever I tell them, I expect to be heard if they ask me for advice. I don't speak for deaf ears even if a loud voice asks for my opinion. I get so FRUSTRATED. Maybe this is a connection to other anger issues.
If I didn't care, if you were just a colleague, an acquaintance- whatever. I'm not that good- I'm not that kind, and I'm not as compassionate, as empathetic, as loving, or as great as you may think I am. I'm not that tolerant, even. In reality, I hold you and me up to the same standard, so that I half-hope, half-expect, that you will consider your own actions before you carry them out, that when you complain to me about your drama, you see that you're creating it for yourself. The whole world is this way- creating drama for themselves for the sake of their own gain. If individuals could consider their own actions and their impact on others before they do it; if groups can do the same, and if leaders could follow suit, then maybe there would be less war, less violence, less hunger, less poverty, and less hardships. Maybe there would be less suffering. I don't know. But sometimes I feel so helpless and so hopeless, because I can't do anything to make someone do something that I think is right, because it's only in my own mind that it's something right and just. I cannot protect the ones I love, I cannot save them, I cannot solve their problems for them. I am only one person, and no one asked me to do these things. I know that it's not my place. I just may consider myself pretty damn conceited thinking that I could carry their burdens for them....But what the hell am I doing giving advice anyway, when I can't even follow them myself?
Friday, 28 August 2009
-
I wish money fell into my lap from the sky.That would be just peachy.
Saturday, 22 August 2009
-
My friend from Portland came down with her girlfriend to the bay area to visit familym (and to have the family's blessing on her relationship), so we hung out today. It was definitely good to see someone from home.I've wanted to learn to ride motorcycles for quite a while- since college..so for about six years now. I'm into all these "non-girly", and deifnitely "non-typical Asian girl" type of things. I was telling her that I don't whether I'm a thrill-seeker or just impulsive, but damn, I do want to learn how to ride one of them racing bikes! And, I've picked up boxing workouts again. Her psycho-analysis:"You restrict yourself in so many other aspects of your life, that you let it out in other ways."
Hahahhaahhaa...maybe.My gay roommate was convinced for a semester and a half that I was a lesbian, just because I was into these "non-feminine" things. My obsession with being physically and mentally strong, being socially "angry" (a dynamic term), wanting to ride motorcycles, being into martial arts...etc. He told me I was so "tough", that therefore, there was absolutely no way that I could be a straight, Asian female. And I came out and said it: is it because I am an Asian female, and because Asian women are expected to be into "girly" things, that when they're not, they're considered "butch" and therefore, must be lesbians? Is it because I don't fit into the stereotype?This statement from a gay black man, who was convinced that I was a lesbian, makes me wonder- both of us are so completely outside of the "stereotypical" spectrum of what is "expected" of us in terms of gender/ethnic roles. For him to have said this to me makes me wonder- what's WITH that stereotype?This thought came up because we ended up talking about breaking stereotypes today. My friend's girlfriend said, "well, you could really break the stereotype and get a crew cut and sit on the back of a motorcycle behind a girl." Basically, you should become an Asian lesbian. Which, to point out, isn't much of breaking a stereotype. For some reason, I think with respect to the gay community, that sexual orientation is seen before race. I have no idea why. But the whole appearance part of what is "stereotypically" view of butch lesbians- isn't that in itself actually fulfilling a stereotype, not breaking it? I feel like if I were lesbian, it might make more sense for other people to see why I'm into these "typically masculine" interests.The whole gender/sexual orientation/race combo makes for an interesting conversation. I wish my circle of friends was more diverse in terms of sexual orientation/race/gender here at my school to get a better idea of what their views are. For now, all I have to go on are my own perceptions....
Pulse
-
semi-death=2 consecutive lack of weekends, 7 hrs avg sleep in 2 days, 8 hr workshops, no running or cycling for 3 days + total exhaustion
-
AGH! Or what if I want to be making policy????!?!?! Can you do that with an MBA????
-
i just spent 2 hrs just wasting time surfing the net. i could've slept an extra 2 hrs. gah.
Chatboard (0)